Is My Boyfriend Asexual? Understanding Relationships Without Sexual Desire

Reading time: 12 minutes

Table of Contents

• Understanding Asexuality: Beyond the Myths
• Signs Your Partner May Be Asexual
• Communication Strategies for Mixed-Orientation Relationships
• Navigating Intimacy Beyond Sex
• Common Challenges and Thoughtful Solutions
• Personal Stories: Real Experiences in Ace-Allo Relationships
• Relationship Possibilities: The Spectrum of Success
• Frequently Asked Questions

Understanding Asexuality: Beyond the Myths

When Emily noticed her boyfriend rarely initiated physical intimacy and seemed uncomfortable with sexual advances, she started wondering if something was wrong with their relationship. After months of confusion and hurt feelings, a late-night conversation revealed something she hadn’t considered: her partner identified as asexual.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others. According to research from the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), approximately 1% of the population identifies as asexual—that’s millions of people worldwide navigating relationships with this orientation.

But what does asexuality really mean in the context of romantic relationships?

What Asexuality Is (and Isn’t)

Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and understanding its nuances is crucial when navigating a relationship with an asexual partner. Here’s what you should know:

• Asexuality ≠ Celibacy or Abstinence: While celibacy is a choice to refrain from sexual activity, asexuality is an orientation. An asexual person doesn’t experience sexual attraction, regardless of whether they choose to have sex.
• Asexuality ≠ Lack of Romantic Attraction: Many asexual individuals experience deep romantic attraction and desire loving partnerships—they just don’t experience sexual desire in the conventional sense.
• Asexuality ≠ Sexual Dysfunction: Asexuality is not a medical condition or hormone imbalance—it’s a valid sexual orientation.

Dr. Lori Brotto, a leading researcher in asexuality studies, explains: “Asexuality is characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender, not by a person’s behavior, attitudes, or romantic preferences. It’s as intrinsic to someone’s identity as any other sexual orientation.”

The Asexual Spectrum

Asexuality isn’t an all-or-nothing experience. The asexual umbrella includes several identities that reflect the diverse ways people experience (or don’t experience) sexual attraction:

• Demisexual: Only experiences sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond
• Gray-asexual: Experiences sexual attraction rarely or under specific circumstances
• Cupiosexual: Doesn’t experience sexual attraction but desires a sexual relationship
• Sex-favorable: May enjoy sexual activity despite not experiencing sexual attraction
• Sex-neutral: Indifferent toward sexual activity
• Sex-averse/repulsed: Uncomfortable with or averse to sexual activity

Understanding where your partner falls on this spectrum is key to navigating your relationship dynamics thoughtfully.

Signs Your Partner May Be Asexual

Recognizing asexuality in a partner can be challenging, especially since many people aren’t familiar with the orientation. Here are some possible indicators that your boyfriend might identify somewhere on the asexual spectrum:

Behavioral Patterns to Notice

• Limited sexual initiation: They rarely or never initiate sexual activities and may seem indifferent when you do.
• Discomfort with sexual language or content: They may change subjects, seem uncomfortable, or disengage when sexual topics arise.
• Focus on non-sexual forms of intimacy: They prioritize cuddling, kissing, or emotional connection without these naturally progressing to sexual activity.
• Sexual activity feels mechanical or obligatory: If they do engage in sexual activity, it might seem like they’re “going through the motions” rather than driven by desire.
• Explicit statements: They might directly say they don’t experience sexual attraction or don’t understand why others are so interested in sex.

Remember, these signs alone don’t definitively indicate asexuality. Many factors can influence sexual desire, including stress, health issues, medication side effects, past trauma, or relationship dynamics.

Communication Strategies for Mixed-Orientation Relationships

If you suspect your boyfriend may be asexual, thoughtful communication becomes your most valuable tool. Here’s how to approach this sensitive topic:

Starting the Conversation

Begin from a place of curiosity rather than accusation. Instead of saying “I think you’re asexual,” try:

• “I’ve noticed our approaches to physical intimacy seem different. Can we talk about how we each experience attraction and desire?”
• “I’d love to understand more about what intimacy means to you and what forms of connection feel most natural.”
• “Have you ever heard of asexuality? I’ve been learning about different orientations, and I’m curious about your thoughts.”

Choose a neutral, private moment when you’re both relaxed and not already discussing relationship problems. This conversation should feel exploratory rather than confrontational.

Active Listening Techniques

When your partner shares their experience:

• Validate their feelings: “Thank you for sharing this with me. Your feelings are completely valid.”
• Ask open-ended questions: “Can you tell me more about how you experience attraction?” or “What kinds of intimacy feel fulfilling to you?”
• Avoid making assumptions: Don’t presume that their lack of sexual desire means they don’t find you attractive or don’t want intimacy.
• Reflect what you hear: “It sounds like you enjoy emotional closeness but don’t experience sexual attraction in the way I might. Am I understanding correctly?”

Remember that this may be the first time your partner has explored these feelings openly. They might not have all the answers immediately, and that’s okay.

Navigating Intimacy Beyond Sex

A relationship with an asexual partner offers a unique opportunity to explore the rich landscape of non-sexual intimacy. Many couples in mixed-orientation relationships (where one partner is asexual and the other isn’t) discover that expanding their definition of intimacy strengthens their bond.

Forms of Non-Sexual Intimacy

Consider these meaningful ways to connect that don’t revolve around sexual activity:

• Physical closeness: Cuddling, hand-holding, massage, or lying together
• Emotional intimacy: Deep conversations, vulnerability, sharing dreams and fears
• Intellectual connection: Discussing ideas, learning together, or sharing creative pursuits
• Acts of service: Caring for each other through thoughtful gestures and support
• Shared experiences: Creating memories through travel, adventures, or simple routines

Relationship coach Casey Tanner notes, “When couples expand beyond sexual connection as their primary form of intimacy, they often discover deeper layers of connection they hadn’t previously explored.”

Establishing Boundaries and Comfort Zones

Creating a satisfying physical relationship requires understanding each partner’s comfort zones. Consider creating a “yes/no/maybe” list where you both identify:

• Yes: Activities you enthusiastically enjoy
• Maybe: Activities you might enjoy under certain circumstances
• No: Activities that are off the table

This exercise can help identify your overlapping comfort zones—the sweet spot where both partners feel genuinely comfortable and connected.

Common Challenges and Thoughtful Solutions

Mixed-orientation relationships face unique challenges, but they’re not insurmountable. Here’s a look at common hurdles and practical approaches to overcome them:

For the Allosexual Partner (Non-Asexual)

Challenge: Feeling Undesired or Rejected

When you’re accustomed to equating sexual interest with romantic attraction, an asexual partner’s lack of sexual desire can feel like rejection, even when it isn’t.

Solution: Work on separating sexual attraction from other forms of attraction. Ask your partner how they experience attraction to you—it might be romantic, aesthetic, sensual, or intellectual. Understanding that your partner values and desires you in their own way can help reframe your perspective.

Actionable tip: Ask your partner to articulate what they find attractive about you in non-sexual terms. This can validate that desire exists, even if it’s not sexual in nature.

Challenge: Meeting Sexual Needs

Significant discrepancies in sexual desire can leave allosexual partners feeling frustrated or unfulfilled.

Solution: Explore compromise options such as:

• Scheduled intimacy that respects both partners’ boundaries
• Opening the relationship (if both partners are comfortable with this approach)
• Focusing on solo sexual fulfillment
• Finding activities in the overlap of your comfort zones

For the Asexual Partner

Challenge: Feeling Pressured or Inadequate

Many asexual people internalize the message that there’s something wrong with them or that they’re failing their partner.

Solution: Remind yourself that your orientation is valid. Being asexual isn’t a choice or a problem to fix—it’s simply how you experience attraction. Set clear boundaries about discussions of your orientation; it’s not up for debate or “curing.”

Actionable tip: Connect with asexual communities online or in person through groups like AVEN. Seeing others with similar experiences can validate your identity and provide practical relationship strategies.

For Both Partners

Challenge: Mismatched Expectations

Without clear communication, partners may have very different ideas about what the relationship should look like.

Solution: Create a relationship agreement that addresses:

• What forms of intimacy you both enjoy
• How often you’ll engage in different types of intimacy
• How you’ll check in about satisfaction and adjustments
• What’s negotiable versus non-negotiable for each of you

Review this agreement periodically as needs and boundaries may evolve.

Personal Stories: Real Experiences in Ace-Allo Relationships

Case Study: Alex and Jordan

Alex (29, asexual) and Jordan (31, allosexual) have been together for four years. When they first started dating, Jordan didn’t understand why Alex never initiated sex and seemed indifferent during intimate moments.

“I thought I was doing something wrong or that Alex wasn’t attracted to me,” Jordan recalls. “It took a late-night conversation where Alex explained asexuality for things to click. I realized it wasn’t about me at all.”

Their solution involved clear communication about boundaries and expectations. Alex was comfortable with physical intimacy up to certain points, and they established a system where Jordan could express needs without Alex feeling pressured.

“We have a weekly check-in about our intimacy,” explains Alex. “Jordan gets to express desires without expectation, and I never feel like I’m being evaluated or pressured. Sometimes I’m comfortable being physically intimate in ways that satisfy Jordan, and sometimes we focus on other forms of connection.”

Case Study: Samira and David

Samira (26, allosexual) discovered her boyfriend David (27, demisexual) was on the asexual spectrum after they had been dating for seven months.

“At first, I was confused because we did have sex occasionally,” Samira explains. “But I noticed it was only after we’d built a really strong emotional connection, and even then, he seemed to enjoy it more for the closeness than the physical sensation.”

After David shared that he identified as demisexual, they worked together to create relationship dynamics that honored both their needs:

“We focus on building emotional intimacy first, which helps David feel more connected and occasionally interested in physical intimacy. I’ve learned to appreciate the depth of our emotional connection, and when we are physically intimate, it feels more meaningful because I know it comes from a place of deep connection rather than casual desire.”

David adds, “Understanding my orientation helped me stop feeling broken. Now I can communicate clearly about what I’m feeling instead of forcing myself to meet expectations that don’t align with my experience.”

Visualizing Relationship Satisfaction in Mixed-Orientation Couples

Relationship Possibilities: The Spectrum of Success

Every mixed-orientation relationship finds its own path forward. Based on extensive interviews with couples navigating these dynamics, several relationship models have proven successful:

Companionate Partnerships

Some couples embrace a deeply connected relationship where romantic and emotional intimacy take center stage, while sexual intimacy plays a minimal role or is absent entirely. These relationships thrive on shared values, communication, and mutual respect for each other’s orientation.

Relationship therapist Dr. Megan Fleming observes, “Companionate relationships often feature exceptional communication skills and emotional intelligence because partners have had to navigate complex conversations about needs and boundaries from the beginning.”

Negotiated Compromises

Many successful mixed-orientation couples find middle ground where:

• The asexual partner participates in sexual activity at a frequency they’re comfortable with
• The allosexual partner adjusts expectations and finds fulfillment in multiple forms of intimacy
• Both partners regularly check in about satisfaction and make adjustments as needed

This approach requires ongoing communication and flexibility from both partners.

Open Relationship Structures

Some couples maintain their emotional commitment while allowing the allosexual partner to meet sexual needs outside the relationship. This arrangement works best when:

• Both partners genuinely support the arrangement (not just reluctantly agreeing)
• Clear boundaries and communication protocols are established
• The primary relationship remains the emotional priority
• Regular check-ins ensure both partners continue feeling secure

As one participant in an open ace-allo relationship shared, “Opening our relationship wasn’t about inadequacy—it was about recognizing we could meet most of each other’s needs while creating space for those we couldn’t. Our emotional bond actually strengthened when we stopped trying to force ourselves into a traditional relationship model.”

Your Relationship Compass: Finding Your Path Forward

Discovering your boyfriend may be asexual isn’t the end of your relationship story—it’s a new chapter that requires thoughtful navigation. As you move forward, consider these guideposts for your journey:

• Prioritize understanding over judgment. Your partner’s orientation isn’t a rejection of you or a problem to solve—it’s simply how they experience attraction.
• Assess compatibility honestly. Consider whether you can find fulfillment in a relationship where sexual connection may be limited or absent. This requires honest self-reflection about your needs.
• Expand your definition of intimacy. The couples who thrive in mixed-orientation relationships often discover deeper connections by exploring the full spectrum of intimacy beyond physical.
• Communicate, adjust, repeat. Successful relationships require ongoing dialogue and willingness to evolve as you both learn more about yourselves and each other.
• Seek support when needed. Consider relationship counseling with a therapist familiar with asexuality, or connect with community resources for mixed-orientation relationships.

Remember that every relationship—regardless of the sexual orientations involved—requires compatibility across multiple dimensions: values, life goals, communication styles, and ways of giving and receiving love. Sexual compatibility is just one factor in the complex equation of relationship success.

The most important question isn’t “Can a relationship work between an asexual and allosexual person?” (it absolutely can), but rather “Can our relationship work in a way that honors both our authentic selves and creates mutual fulfillment?”

As you continue this journey, approach it with compassion—both for your partner and yourself. Whatever path you choose, let it be one that allows both of you to live authentically rather than compromising your core needs or identity.

How might understanding your partner’s asexuality open doors to new forms of connection you haven’t yet explored?

Frequently Asked Questions

Can someone become asexual because of trauma or negative experiences?

While trauma can affect someone’s relationship with sexuality and may cause sexual aversion, asexuality itself is an orientation, not a response to trauma. Some people who have experienced trauma may temporarily or permanently experience decreased sexual desire, but this differs from asexuality, which is a consistent lack of sexual attraction regardless of circumstances. If your partner’s lack of sexual interest seems tied to past negative experiences, professional support from a trauma-informed therapist may be helpful—but avoid assuming trauma is the “cause” of someone’s asexuality, as this invalidates their orientation.

Is it selfish to end a relationship because of sexual incompatibility with an asexual partner?

No. Sexual compatibility is a legitimate factor in relationship compatibility, just like shared values, communication styles, or life goals. Ending a relationship because your needs aren’t being met—sexual or otherwise—isn’t selfish; it’s recognizing that both partners deserve relationships where their core needs can be fulfilled. What would be unfair is pressuring an asexual partner to change their orientation or expecting an allosexual partner to indefinitely suppress their sexual needs. Sometimes, caring for both yourself and your partner means acknowledging when a relationship configuration isn’t working for either of you.

My boyfriend enjoys sex sometimes but identifies as asexual. Isn’t this contradictory?

No, this isn’t contradictory. Asexuality is about lack of sexual attraction, not necessarily lack of sexual behavior or enjoyment. Some asexual people enjoy sexual activity for reasons other than attraction—they might appreciate the physical sensation, enjoy pleasing their partner, value the emotional closeness, or experience situational arousal without attraction to a specific person. Others might be gray-asexual or demisexual, experiencing attraction rarely or only in specific circumstances. The key distinction is that allosexual people experience sexual attraction regularly and spontaneously toward others, while asexual people don’t, regardless of whether they sometimes engage in and enjoy sexual activity.

Article reviewed by Michael Reynolds, Licensed therapist helping couples build stronger relationships for 15+ years, on May 2, 2025